What I have learned.

My academic year at UEA is gradually coming to a close. I am in the process of writing my dissertation, and in a few weeks’ time I’ll be moving back to Spain. It has been a tough year in more ways than one: being a full-time student after a 5-year break; being in a long-distance relationship; trying to find my feet in a small city to which I had no previous connections. It has definitely been a learning experience. I think it took me about 6 months to feel more at home here and more settled in my friendships, and then the academic year was pretty much over after that. Some of my course mates have already left Norwich; others, like myself, are coming and going for the past couple of months. We have all been dispersed somewhat – not that I really feel like we were exactly united and in the same place at any point. But yes, geographically we are all dispersed again, and those of my friends and acquaintances that remain Norwich are few and far between. We are all off to start a new adventure, or to return to where we were at before, just that little bit more knowledgeable about international development, with a fresh perspective on life and an inquisitive mind.

What have I learned this year?

I have learned a lot about international development. I had no previous academic background to the subject, so everything was new. One of the first things I discovered that Amartya Sen is a development theory guru and by quoting him you can cover your back pretty much on any topic. I learned a whole lot of jargon, buzz words and concepts that don’t necessarily mean anything much, the word “empowerment” perhaps the most over- and misused of them all. What I still haven’t learned is what “development” is, or whether such a concept even exists. Or, maybe that is exactly what I have learned.

I have (re-)learned that we live in completely unjust, corrupted world and that most of the efforts of those who try to fight it remain within a framework of structural injustice, and that there is always an us and them-juxtaposing going on.

Following from the above learning experience, I have (re-)learned that the language and way of thinking in the field of international development is often racist, prejudiced and patronising towards “developing” countries, and that studying post-colonial theory when I did English Literature at undergraduate level has helped me remain critical of that kind of discourse.

I have (re-)learned that I can write and that my writing is at its best when I just plough on bravely without constantly editing myself.

I have (re-)learned that I can be rather impatient and hard on myself, but that I can do anything I set out to do if I really want to.

I have learned to stress and worry a little bit less.

I have learned that I still procrastinate and that I still get very frustrated with myself for doing so.

I have learned that I can overcome silly little personal fears, but also some bigger ones, and I have overcome some of them to a great extent this year. A very silly example of this is my slight fear of horses. Having to walk past about 12 of them every morning on my way to lectures, and occasionally feeding them a little, was a good way to feel more comfortable around those beautiful (and huge) creatures.

I have learned to meditate a little bit.

I have learned that I have had enough of country-hopping for a while, and that I would like to feel more part of a small community and maybe put down some roots somewhere. This is a huge step for me as I have never really felt much like part of any community or even had much of a desire to do so. I think it will be challenging for me but exciting too.

I have learned to value and love my family even more than before.

I have also learned that some of my closest and dearest ones are very special and that it is important to hold on to these people, care for them and appreciate what I have with them.

I have learned that truly good friends are hard to find.

I have learned that I am starting to like alcohol less and less – especially beer.

I have learned more about trusting others and myself.

I have learned that it is worth investing in some funky heels and a timeless dress.

Having said that, I have also learned that I don’t really need that many things to be happy. Unfortunately, I sometimes forget.

I have learned to appreciate plants more.

I have (re-)learned that thank you-cards are important.

I have learned that sometimes I chase dreams that aren’t mine. But I have also learned to pursue some of my own dreams in small steps.

I have learned oh so many other things as well this year. I guess that goes to show that it has paid off and that despite my constant feeling of not having made the most of my time, I have got a lot out of my year.

And maybe –and that’s just maybe- I have learned something about that over- and misused word empowerment.

If only we'd stop trying to be happy we'd have a pretty good time. - Edith Wharton

A pleasant re-encounter with myself

February has never been my favourite month of the year. I'd quite happily leave out November and February from the calendar and have 2 Junes and 2 Julys instead. The further up north in the world you go, the darker and more miserable these months get. You go to work in the morning in the dark and come back from work in the dark. November is miserable because you're exhausted by work/study and the Christmas holidays seem too distant. February is dreary because it's the month between the festitivites and spring. When T.S. Eliot claimed that "April is the cruellest month" (The Waste Land, 1922) he was horribly wrong. The only good things about November and February are candles, hot drinks and if you are lucky, cuddling by the fireside with someone lovely or a good book.

February 2010 was a tough one for me for various reasons, but I'm sure the mere fact that it was February didn't help. But the real reason I had the longest shortest month of the year this time around was because somewhere between my Christmas holidays and spring, I had lost myself.

I had lost my essence a little and one February evening I found myself again, or the part of me that had gone missing for a while. How did it happen? I was with some friends for an evening of sushi and singing. We made sushi rolls, had some wine, some ice-cream, some potent black liquid I had brought back with me from my brief visit to Finland, and we sang, played the guitar and all sorts of percussions. We sang beautifully, we played badly, we sang so loud that the neighbours came to knock on the door, we played more quietly. Or, as my French teacher used to say, we made a joyful noise.

And in that joyful noise I re-encountered myself - I felt much more normal again, much less anxious. I remembered what my priorities were, what I enjoyed doing, what I wanted to experience and try out in the near future. And after that evening I went and did those things.

That evening has been followed by a couple of other similar evenings that have reminded me of some of the things that are important for me in life: good food, good music, the company of friends, absolute relaxation, laughter, forgetting yourself and remembering who you are at the same time.

Rattivasyneen mietteita iltaruoan jalkeen

Loppujen lopuksi ei siita muuta elamassa tarvitse kuin riittavasti ruokaa, unta ja liikuntaa.