What I have learned.

My academic year at UEA is gradually coming to a close. I am in the process of writing my dissertation, and in a few weeks’ time I’ll be moving back to Spain. It has been a tough year in more ways than one: being a full-time student after a 5-year break; being in a long-distance relationship; trying to find my feet in a small city to which I had no previous connections. It has definitely been a learning experience. I think it took me about 6 months to feel more at home here and more settled in my friendships, and then the academic year was pretty much over after that. Some of my course mates have already left Norwich; others, like myself, are coming and going for the past couple of months. We have all been dispersed somewhat – not that I really feel like we were exactly united and in the same place at any point. But yes, geographically we are all dispersed again, and those of my friends and acquaintances that remain Norwich are few and far between. We are all off to start a new adventure, or to return to where we were at before, just that little bit more knowledgeable about international development, with a fresh perspective on life and an inquisitive mind.

What have I learned this year?

I have learned a lot about international development. I had no previous academic background to the subject, so everything was new. One of the first things I discovered that Amartya Sen is a development theory guru and by quoting him you can cover your back pretty much on any topic. I learned a whole lot of jargon, buzz words and concepts that don’t necessarily mean anything much, the word “empowerment” perhaps the most over- and misused of them all. What I still haven’t learned is what “development” is, or whether such a concept even exists. Or, maybe that is exactly what I have learned.

I have (re-)learned that we live in completely unjust, corrupted world and that most of the efforts of those who try to fight it remain within a framework of structural injustice, and that there is always an us and them-juxtaposing going on.

Following from the above learning experience, I have (re-)learned that the language and way of thinking in the field of international development is often racist, prejudiced and patronising towards “developing” countries, and that studying post-colonial theory when I did English Literature at undergraduate level has helped me remain critical of that kind of discourse.

I have (re-)learned that I can write and that my writing is at its best when I just plough on bravely without constantly editing myself.

I have (re-)learned that I can be rather impatient and hard on myself, but that I can do anything I set out to do if I really want to.

I have learned to stress and worry a little bit less.

I have learned that I still procrastinate and that I still get very frustrated with myself for doing so.

I have learned that I can overcome silly little personal fears, but also some bigger ones, and I have overcome some of them to a great extent this year. A very silly example of this is my slight fear of horses. Having to walk past about 12 of them every morning on my way to lectures, and occasionally feeding them a little, was a good way to feel more comfortable around those beautiful (and huge) creatures.

I have learned to meditate a little bit.

I have learned that I have had enough of country-hopping for a while, and that I would like to feel more part of a small community and maybe put down some roots somewhere. This is a huge step for me as I have never really felt much like part of any community or even had much of a desire to do so. I think it will be challenging for me but exciting too.

I have learned to value and love my family even more than before.

I have also learned that some of my closest and dearest ones are very special and that it is important to hold on to these people, care for them and appreciate what I have with them.

I have learned that truly good friends are hard to find.

I have learned that I am starting to like alcohol less and less – especially beer.

I have learned more about trusting others and myself.

I have learned that it is worth investing in some funky heels and a timeless dress.

Having said that, I have also learned that I don’t really need that many things to be happy. Unfortunately, I sometimes forget.

I have learned to appreciate plants more.

I have (re-)learned that thank you-cards are important.

I have learned that sometimes I chase dreams that aren’t mine. But I have also learned to pursue some of my own dreams in small steps.

I have learned oh so many other things as well this year. I guess that goes to show that it has paid off and that despite my constant feeling of not having made the most of my time, I have got a lot out of my year.

And maybe –and that’s just maybe- I have learned something about that over- and misused word empowerment.

A rose by any other name would smell as sweet...

There is a tiny new person in my family. He is less than a month old, and has no name yet. I used to call him Possu (Piggy) because his mother got a swine flu jab a bit before he was born, and I thought he might turn out to have a bit of a piggy nose like his aunt (I sometimes call this tiny new person's sister Kananen (Little Chicken) but in case you're wondering it has nothing to do with avian flu - she's just a wee chicken, that's all).

I haven't met the tiny new person yet, but I have seen a few photos and I can imagine he is wonderful. The most wonderful thing is that he has no name because his parents haven't decided on one yet. Although his mother seemed a bit distressed about the topic the last time it came up, I can't help but think that this tiny new person still has a certain freedom that comes from having no fixed identity in the form of a name. He has his whole future ahead of him not only in the sense that he is a baby and will most probably have many years of life to live, but also because he is simply the much loved tiny new person that does not have to respond to his name, does not have to sign his name or write down his initials, and has none of the other responsibilities that come with having a name.

When I was a child I wanted to change my name, and even more so when my mother told me that I could when I grew up. Now, well over the legal age required for changing your name, I can't think of what I would change my name to. I have had my fair share of problems with my name as the different linguistic environments (?) I have lived in have not always allowed for the correct spelling or pronunciation of my name, and so after I left university I considered calling myself by my middle name. But I soon realised that not only was it an equally confusing name, it simply wasn't me.

How do you decide on what to call your child, anyway? My parents apparently just knew. They liked the name and that was it. I share my middle name with one of my aunts who I never really got to know, and I have come to appreciate carrying her name for that very reason - it's my connection to her. Not too long ago I got a better peak at what her life was like through some photographs from the 60s and 70s that another one of my aunt's showed me, and it looked like she didn't shy away from enjoying life despite the hardships that came along her way.

Liking the name or wanting to pass on a family name are of course very good reasons, but there must be an element of compromise in the decision making process if for some reason the other parent , or, worse yet, your family does not agree with you. Or if a name may sound beautiful in your language, but in the other parent's language it means something rude. Or if the family name is just too commonplace and you want to name your child something that is a bit different, or not the fashionable name of the half-decade.

So, you think MY name is strange? Here are some that I think are strange, some to the point of being hilarious or scary or just...wrong. I opted to exclude the strange names of relatives and friends so as to avoid offending as few people as possible...;)

Milady (F, Mexico)
Ladydi (F,Mexico)
Stalin (M, Mexico)
Lyly (M, Finland)
Nyyrikki (M, Finland)
Hemminki (M, Finland)
Ylermi (M, Finland)
Signe (F, Finland)
Ilmatar (F, Finland)
Suometar (F, Finland)
Julio Cesar (M, Colombia)

Feel free to add to the list...

Taas kaikki kauniit muistot

Those of you who remember me as a teenager may recall my acute sense of not belonging there and my adamant vows of never returning to Finland once I had left. I still don't know if I could spend the rest of my life there, and at the moment it's not even an option I would seriously consider. But the older I get the more I miss it. Sometimes I miss my family dreadfully. I miss seeing my little niece grow up. I miss speaking and writing in Finnish (so why am I writing this in English? I have no idea). I miss the scent of cold, cold air, the kind that you can feel in your teeth. I miss the unpresumptious trees that watch over you as you wander in the forest. I miss seeing my mum cooking in the kitchen, always with a tiny sense of stress but always willing to stop and do a little dance with her eyes closed if a good song comes on in the radio.

I miss Finland especially at Christmas. Today is the first Advent, and in my family that means going through a little ceremony of listening to "Hoosianna" the first thing in the morning. Someone will light the first of the four candles that count the weeks until Christmas, and we sit in devotional silence until the song is over. Sometimes I feel awkward listening to the song in religious silence, but I still think it's a beautiful tradition. Listening to "Hoosianna" permits you to listen to Christmas carols for the next four weeks leading to Christmas, and the anticipation in the air helps you get through the weeks of darkness and exhaustion that prevail at the end of the year.

I don't think I have a favourite Christmas carol, but I am starting to like the very traditional Finnish ones with allusions to snow and darkness. "Taas kaikki kauniit muistot" is one of my dad's favourites along with "Me käymme joulun viettohon". The former is the recollection of an adult thinking back to his childhood, going to the Christmas church service early in the morning, clad in his best outfit, and sleepily placing their head on his mother's shoulder, probably didn't understand much of the sermon, but recalling those precious moments and the snowy fields and parks that no-one can take away from him.

Growing up, I thought the carol was too earnest and too slow. But today the song reflects my sentiments...thinking back to my childhood, treasuring those moments of Christmas with my family.

So, I'll shed a little tear, light a candle and listen to "Hoosianna" all day.